6 Steps to Increase Self Esteem

Image result for low self esteem

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert

— The Offspring

 

I find this song by the Offspring hilarious, but also close to the truth more often than I’d like to admit.  I’ve seen estimates that over 85% percent of people suffer from low self esteem at different points in our lives.   Self esteem is one of the fundamental building blocks of living an emotionally anti-fragile life.   If you have no belief in yourself, no respect for yourself, no ability to stand up for yourself, then how can you expect to make decisions — tough decisions — that will enable you to live a fulfilling life?

I’ve found it difficult to find good advice regarding self-esteem that’s not long-winded or hard to actually put into practice.  I came across this YouTube video by The Journey which itself is a quick summary of a book by Nathaniel Branden called the Six Pillars of Self Esteem.  I haven’t read the book.  I might at some point, but I like the video.   It’s  pithy and concise.  If you can’t watch the video, here are the six pillars:

  1. Practice of Living Consciously.  Have to be willing to act on what you perceive to be the right thing to do at any given moment. Don’t procrastinate.  Don’t waste hours a day on social media when you know you should be doing something else.  Ask yourself where is this leading me?  Am I dong the best thing for myself right now?
  2. Practice of self acceptance.  Stop toruring yourself because you don’t compare to someone else.  There are millions of others with the same “defects” you have that are millionaires, artists, in fulfilling relationsihps, executives, and generally successful at life.  So your extra pounds, your big nose, your disability… none of it matters.  It doesn’t hold others back, so don’t let it hold you back.
  3. Practice of Self Responsibility. No one else is thinking about how to help you or make you succeed or feel happy.  If you leave it up to someone else, they will fail miserably.  Take care of yourself, because no one else will.  Make sure you’re saving enough money.  Make sure you are treating your body right.  Make sure you are not burning yourself out at work.
  4. Practice of Self Assertiveness.  Stop repressing your thoughts and ideas. You will never, ever find the perfect thing or coolest thing to say.  So go out here and say “hey, I have the right to exist”!  Let other’s be touched by your contribution to the world.  Not everyone will love what you have to say.  But if you never express yourself, it’s guaranteed that no one will like your ideas, because they’ll never know.  You’ll grow old with regrets and boredom.
  5. Practice of Living Purposefully. Take action on improving the things you want to improve.  Don’t live life like a zombie sheep… eat bad food, complain about your job, watch mindless videos or TV,  sleep.  Repeat.  Identify what would make your life great and then take steps to achieve it.
  6. Practice of Personal Integrity.  Thoughts and actions need to be in alignment.  If you say you going to do something, you do it.   You need “congruence” between thoughts and actions. Self esteem is a reputation we acquire toward ourselves and if we keep doing things we know we shouldn’t be doing, that reputation suffers.
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How to Live in a Big City

Tank_Hill,_San_Francisco2

 

Almost all murders occur in large cities. So too for most car theft, rape, pick-pocketing, and hellacious traffic jams.

Why do we live in them then?  Well, of course they also have most of the jobs, new ideas, universities, specialty grocery stores, wine bars, and cool new Spanish restaurants.

In other words, all of the good stuff too.  In fact, the bigger cities get the more of each (bad and good things) they get — at an increasing rate.  As a city doubles in size, it doesn’t just double the amount of schools, police, and hipster coffee shops, it increases by an extra 15%.  This is true for almost any thing:  flu cases, time spend in traffic, patents filed (new ideas), art galleries, yoga studios, wages, and wealth.

Watch this fascinating TED Talk video given by  theoretical physicist Geoffrey West of The Santa Fe Institute, where lays out his research on this exact topic:

 

 

This is the crux of why the suburbs are (still) so popular — people want access to the jobs, but they don’t want the crime, traffic, and anything else undesirable.  The problem with this is that while it may get you away from much  of the crime, it creates even more traffic problems for everyone, not too mention many of the good things, like convenient walkable neighborhoods and schools, corner coffee shops, funky bars, and museums become too far away.

The ideal situation — and most antifragile — is expose yourself to all of the good things about cities, but minimize the downside.  How to do this?  Well, many people are already doing his organically, some consciously and some unconscionably.  We’re seeing a revival in urbanism and movements by people and business back to the city center, but I think it’s helpful to think of it in a conscious and logical manner.    Here are some strategies:

  • If you don’t have kids and school systems aren’t an issue, live right in the heart of the city.  You can choose a condo, apartment, or possibly even a house.  The key is to make sure it’s a safe neighborhood, so you’re not exposed to much of the crime.
  • If you have kids and the public school system is bad, live in the closest safe’ish neighborhood to downtown.  Most big cities have this kind of “suburb” that’s really more like an extension of the city than a suburb.  Meaning, it’s got sidewalks, storefronts, and good public transportation.  It should be almost seamless to get downtown.
  • You could also just send your kids to a private school and stay right in the neighborhood you like, if you have the money to do so.
  • Live in a part of the metro area where your commute is reversed.  I can tell you first hand that this is a big deal.  I’ve had several jobs on the outskirts of the city while I lived near the city center (in a separate municipality), but the commute to work was more like 20 minutes instead of 40-60 minutes the other direction, because of the fact that everyone was coming into downtown during the morning rush hour while I was leaving it.  This can definitely help you keep your sanity.
  • Take practical precautions so you can get out and enjoy the city.  Make sure you don’t leave your door open when you leave.  If you’re worried at night but want to leave your windows open, get a window lock that make it impossible to open them from the outside.  Lock your garage, etc.   Anything that makes you safer and lets you still get out and enjoy all that cities have to offer.
  • Make friends. Join groups.  Not only will you enjoy your experiences more sharing it with others, but it also partially solves one of the safety issues.

 

 

 

Raising Antifragile Children

 

IslaAndBoyRunningOnHill

If you have children, you spend a lot of time thinking about how to raise them, stressing over times when they fail, celebrating their good deeds and generally wondering if you’re doing everything you can to give them the best life possible.  After all, that’s the essential job of being a parent, right?

We want our children to be able to handle not only the childhood years, the sometimes dicey teen years, but also the big bad real world adult years, where the shit can really hit the fan and the amount of stressors and responsibilities increase exponentially.

I’ve never heard anyone say they want their child to be a loner, be emotionally fragile,  or be susceptible to diseases and die early. We want them to not just survive, but thrive.  That’s what being antifragile is all about.

smokey

Smokey was fragile. Don’t be him.

 

The Antifragile Pyramid — For Kids

I developed a concept of what I call the Antifragile Pyramid for kids.  Follow these steps and you’ll raise a superman or superwoman.

KidsAntifragilePyramid

Proper Nutrition.  I think it all really has to start here.  As we’ve all heard before, you literally are what you eat. If a child’s brain chemistry if off, if their hormones are out of whack, if they have weak bones, if their blood sugar is sky high all the time and they don’t feel like moving and they are already pre-diabetic, what chance do they have?  How will they ever be able to succeed at school, socialize with their peers and have at least normal self-esteem?  The answers is, they simply cannot.  There are entire books written on diet and nutrition, but here are the basics.  The more you can do of these, the better.  No one will be perfect… that’s not the goal.  I find that the more I’m just aware of these facts and try to integrate them within reason, the happier and healthier my own kids seem.

  • High amount of fat — especially the “good fats” high in omega-3’s.
    • Get omega-3 vitamins
    • If your child drinks lots of milk, like my 3 year old still does, buy full-fat whole milk with extra omega-3 oils added
    • Buy grass fed beef whenever possible
    • Eat fish such as salmon and trout
    • Eat moreuts and seeds
  • Vegetables and fruit
    • No need to worry about whether this fruit or that fruit has higher sugar content.  Most cutting edge experts agree, if it’s a real food, it’s almost always good for you
  • Greatly reduce processed foods, meaning almost anything with a label.
    • Try to cook at home as much as possible with real ingredients
    • Try to cut out almost all fast food
  • Low(er) sugar.
    • Take steps to reduce the sugar they take in.  I know first-hand… this is hard because kids love sweets, but all the experts agree now:  too much sugar is toxic to the body.  You’ve got to reduce where you can.

That’s it.  The more high-fat, highly nutritious meals they eat, the less they will crave the sugar and processed carbs.    Again, you don’t need to be perfect, just get more good stuff in them, however you can.

Love.  If you just get the first two, it may be enough.  Children who feel loved know that you have their back and can face the world without fear of failure.  Studies show that children who feel loved are physically healthier, mentally healthier, have increased brain function, and are less fearful — just to name a few.

 

Keep them moving.  50 years ago or so, childhood obesity was almost non-existent — somewhere around 4%. Now, almost one in five children is obese!  It’s crazy… but of course the adults haven’t fared any better.   Video games, TV, computers, and bad nutrition are combining to create an army of kid-sloths.   When you’re fat as a kid, you don’t feel good about yourself, which only alienates you even more; you’re head is foggy, so you can’t concentrate as well on your homework; and when you do play outside or play sports you don’t do as well, and again, get tired earlier, which makes you want to quit playing.  It’s a vicious cycle.

We’ve covered the nutrition part, but it’s critical to keep them active as well.  Team sports is one answer, but that’s only an obvious one.  And some kids don’t like them, plus you have to deal with the parents and the increasing corporate-aggressive nature of youth sports today.  So If that’s not your thing,   here are some other ideas to keep them burning calories, keep their brains active and bring the joy of movement into their lives:

  • Unstructured play.  Often times the best kind of activity is just plain-old having fun.  Playing Tag, Kick The Can,  or any other invented game where there’s a lot of running around and your kid is sweating like a pig.  Awesome!
  • Family Hikes.  Getting outside and interacting with nature is very beneficial.  Plus hiking on uneven surfaces as well as some elevation changes give your body and mind just right amount of variability.
  • Family Bike Rides.  Same as above.  Biking can be a great way to explore if a hiking trail isn’t available or you just feel like going faster!  Nothing more exhilarating than letting gravity pull you down hill after a nice hard bike uphill.
  • Swimming.  Works your whole body and is fun.  Even better is open water swimming and/or splashing, running, surfing in an ocean (or one of the Great Lakes) with nice wave action.  What kid doesn’t love playing in waves?
  • Sledding/snow sports. If you’re locked down for the winter under bunch of ice and snow,  another activity that kids love is sledding ( or almost any kind of snow play).  It takes a lot of work to haul the sleds up hill each time (and your kids sleds), but screaming with joy for 5-10 seconds on the down hill is totally worth it.
  • Playing in the house.  Sometimes you just don’t want or can’t go outside, –especially in the winter — so you have to get creative.  Do whatever it takes: run circles around the house, wrestle on the bed, play imagination games.  Anything that gets your heart pumping and is random and fun.

 

Socialization.  The next step in the pyramid is getting kids interacting with others their age and allowing them  to try and solve problems amongst themselves.  Success in life is often a direct result of who can communicate best with others.  How often do you see the guy in high school who barely graduated become a millionaire by 35 because he could sell cars better than anyone or owns a chain of restaurants.  If you child is very shy, this is probably even more important.

  • Have Play Dates.  From as early an age as possible, they need to see other children, learn to share, develop bonds with others their age, and have a couple kids that they can call their “friends”.
  • Daycare/Preschool.  I think daycare gets a bad rap sometimes; the thinking is that kids get pick up a lot of illnesses and they are away from mom and dad for a long period of time.  While these two things can be true they don’t always have to be bad.  Yes, they are exposed to germs from lots of other kids there and probably get sick more often.  I say, good!  I’d rather have them be exposed early and often in small doses than live in a sterile house for 5 years and then bam, they get really sick and possibly develop greater allergies.  It’s also true that they are away from the their parents, but as long as this not 10 hours a day for 5 days a week, I think it’s probably a good thing.  Each kid is different of course, so you have to adjust to your child’s personality, but the theory is a sound one in general.
  • School.  There is a huge variability in schools in this country, but in general, I favor kids going to an actual school vs. home schooling.  Ideally it would be one with a variety of options, from theater to music to sports programs.  It should be diverse, but not unsafe.

Get them involved.  After good nutrition, love, exercise, and socializing with others, you’re already gone a long way toward having a child with great self-esteem and one who is as antifragile as possible, and ready to face whatever the future brings; but one of the last pieces of the puzzle is to help them find something they are good at.

When a child is able to excel at something or even just participate on a team they gain self-esteem, learn the value of teamwork, feel a sense of inclusion, and get exposure to a diverse range of interests.  Whether your child is in the Lego club, girl scouts, cub scouts, karate, a basketball team, the orchestra, the drama club, or the debate team, they can gain all of the benefits described above.

Self-esteem.  If you have got this far on the pyramid, you should have child who is self confident and takes pleasure in engaging with life.  As the website askdrsears.com says, “self-esteem is the passport to a lifetime of mental health and social happiness”.  I couldn’t agree more.  Having self confidence and a belief in yourself, will mentally prepare you for whatever life can throw your way.

The more stressful events a child overcomes, the more confidence he/she gains that they will be able to handle the next one.  In essence, they become more antifragile.

A few tips for increasing self-esteem in children:

  • No belittling or bullying
  • Let them win
  • Play with them — especially games the ylike
  • Be present
  • Give them responsibility
  • Reward them and recognize them for jobs well-done.

See  the askdrsears.com site  for more ideas and explanation about self-esteem in children.

Well, if you’ve got this far,  congratulations.  You will have raised a child that has a healthy immune system: is physically fit, including  having strong bones, muscles, and heart;  has friends and family to fall back on in times of need,; is curious, skillful, and learned about the world; and has the confidence to navigate the rest of the way.